and on the note of such, fuck you for pretending you're anything better, better yet now
don't even look at me fucker, stuck bleeding platitudes as if pulling scabs makes a
better man, to take the blame on schedule, sledgehammer picnic courtship, i'll eat your
dead skin like curlings of of tree bark turn to dust under prying fingers movement out of
hidden spaces taking mental pictures that disappear before you see trip stumble holding onto
broken roots painted sickly yellow pressing under your nail and piercing out the other side,
kicking at stones murmuring to you , whispering weighing so far beyond the Absence Of -
taking your time waiting around for jagged figures, come up so close past squinting your arm
pulls right through, entrails become an empty hole and suddenly absence is the preferred option
but sometimes these things take time to figure out - context builds reason but i'm yet to discern
just quite where i'm standing, pulling out weeds on the sidewalk, finding ways to pass the time
in hope that nothing decides i'm anything of note - no greater punishment than being found out,
tell me about it, i forgot to shave and nobody noticed, think i heard you out the back, coming
around this time, for the first time, it's always the first time, i'll find the time when i
remember, floorboards turn into faces and it's gone again, focused and alert and ready to fucking go,
it's not my fucking fault man, i've been waiting on you, i've been waiting for you to tell me,
stuck between couch cushions and something's stuck in my leg, pinching crawling underneath the covers
and i'm hiding like a child, someone's left the stove on and i'm stuck underneath, at the door again
telling me today's not a good time, trading nails like so many tokens stuck in a box somewhere, speeding
chains rusty doors slamming with more pause than i'd like, finding comfort in the immediacy of movement.
stupid fucker is locked outside again, dirt piling up under the window so high i can climb inside, climb
inside, climbing further than i thought, passages lead to signposts to nowhere i can recall, i'm sure
you'd tell me about the branches beyond my eyeline, hope negligible but it's something to do, resign
yourself to wait a little longer, burnhole dishrag disposables in the bin again
washing up in your bathwater pulling eyelashes out think i forgot your birthday think that water's
been sitting there a while, think i've been sitting here a while, blinking service lights broken
smoke alarms sidewalk trash , taking care of words never owed to me but a borrowed job is more than
stagnant water and a creeping smell from my closet, not sure if you got my texts so i've been writing
letters, hope you don't mind, addressing to streets i might've made up, sentiments held in lockets
made of cheap plastic poured by children in sweatshops in places i am miles detached from, and just like
these incongruous looks so many rotten piles i notice have amassed in my room, indeterminate in shape
or meaning we build effigies to stained clothing lights went out rats in the night been getting louder
and the longer i've been sitting the more i start to understand what they're saying, polemics for the
endtimes, somebodies gotta do it, and just what the fuck have i been doing here, sweat stains on the
mattress forget you're not here by the shadow, can't remember if i've been around lately, think i fell
asleep again, think i forgot to lock the door, think i forgot to turn off the tap, think i can hear the
water spilling under the door, smells like sweat and piss, strange soaked wallpaper i can't quit picking
at, pulling holes in my bedsheets, digging underneath layers of thread and mycelium, boring a hole between
the skirting boards and my skull, resonance so harsh in my skull i'm holding my breath, pushing so hard
i fall straight through and just keep going, falling nowhere in particular but simply in the act of
being in-between, not transitionary but separate
writing apologies for my absence and i know you'll catch them between the lines, empty shelves and
debris from my pockets, stuck on the train again and i hope it wasn't you, terrible fascinations that
we rationalise to ourselves more than anybody else, do it because i love you, take holes in palms to
trace around eachother, you tend to get hung up with conversations that hang further than you'd like,
watching eyes across vacant carriages and the idea just makes me fucking sick, possession in paper cards
and bits of metal piling up like corvid offerings, smoke ceremony self harm obfuscating obtuse points,
purportless talking points as a means to an end, bringing nothing with me to stay but reading pathways
in walls of text to posture - to posture - shit hot at contributing nothing but platitudes, pay attention
under threat of insincerity, take heed of our cultural dancing around faggot burning pyres, painted in
graveyards miles seperated, argue sentiments with the sharp tongue of someone defending a wound passed down
beyond recognition,
don't remember what i'm arguing for exactly but toy-gun pop caps firing off
at every station and faces turn not quite right when you look at them front on, are you getting
my letters? hot under the collar intolerance of the general public solidarity in disgust
and adoration so long as we share the same disease - recovery as not only a betrayal but a
falsehood, stay sick together or die, stay sick together or die, stay sick because you love me
and love looks like dogma looks like martyrdom looks like, rotting together putting aside
metaphor taking biological synthesis as victims of artificial-cosmic-sacred happenstance
baked in meaning of senseless rambling directed at you specifically and nobody else -
hold to the line and bring me around, begging kicking clawing biting tearing, forgot your face
and i hope you mean it this time, ran out in front and hiding in plain sight for as long as
it'll take, parasitic attachment you owe me this i am owed this - holy alignment to present
shameful truths, no longer admissions by reason of sheer self-evidence, injured animals
at mercy of pretention and survival of the fittest, i'm sure, beg for it, beg for it,
lie prayers at the foot of gnawed limbs and accept that as all that is in your capacity